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That's the whole gag. Lai is a mom. No matter at what point in my daughter's life that you are reading this, I STILL cannot believe I am her mother.

I never really wanted kids, but I have known Michael since I was 12 years old and we always talked about having kids together.  We were surely too young to be having those conversations but shortly after we settled into life together, that curiosity of having a child led to reality. It came with a whirlwind of life changes. Thankfully we were surrounded by a strong village who helped support in our transition to parenthood. 

Unfortunately, the changes happening between us were not meant to stand the test of time and we separated. 

The first 2.5 - 3 years of motherhood were rough for me mentally, physically, and emotionally. While most share my sentiment in hardship, others feel my sentiment about getting into a depressive state and worsening health issues. It was during this time span that I went to the hospital most for diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA).  One might say I was living in post-partum depression. I call it living in the pit.

The pit became my life and I realized it. The challenges I was facing were consciously hurting me as a human and especially as a mother. I did not have the confidence or strength to show up as I wanted because I felt buried with life. I had separated, work was offering stress beyond my capacity and I had a young child who was not receiving quality time with her mother. I was lost, in my late 20s and in mental shambles. 

It is here that I will remind you that 10/10 do not recommend having children if you have not been able to master your pits. This is not to suggest that you will not have hard times. But it is certainly to incite awareness about your mental state before making a huge life decision.

It was hard to be a mother. To find my path, how I wanted to rear, what I wanted her to see - so many thoughts in a solo frame of mind. After uncovering a layer and completing intense therapy, I was able to tell myself I wanted to foster a meaningful relationship with my child, on purpose. The effort to be a parent must be intentional. For some the thought to be intentional is not so present. And others follow suit of their parent's rearing because they simply do not believe they can do better. For me, it is so easy to go off and do my own thing, so making sure to prioritize relationship building with my child is important. 

When my daughter was about 3.5, things started to shape up for me. I was able to start a big girl job and started my cleaning business. Dating became a thing and I was excited to be traveling, freeing my mind and creating endless opportunities to explore. I found the pathway that has led me here, to be present with you, the reader.

I am glad you are here, that I can share the rawest form of myself in motherhood. I make it very clear that I am an individual first but I absolutely love being a mother. And while I cherish the role that I have as an individual in my child's life, I do not recommend anyone to take on the task of parenthood. Please do not misunderstand this statement. 

It is important for individuals to find their sense of life and way to navigate through. Putting a child into that process is tough. Even though I had my daughter in my late 20s, I was still not ready. Having to grapple with such hard life lessons while in the throes of bonding and caretaking - was rough! Knowing some little person was depending on me when I surely could not depend on myself. Feeling shame for my circumstances while learning to use the support provided to me. My freedom is important and the ability to consider another person is difficult. But that is a sacrifice needed to create secure relationships with others, especially our children. 

I strive for a secure relationship with my child. It is a type of relationship that has taken me time to realize is possible and can be for me. My upbringing looked differently than how I raise my child. She is very much a village child. Her grandmothers have a huge hand in rearing her and that allows for her to be taught by the generations. And I love that for the whole village.

I am a pillar for change and that means being broken, living in a depressive state, being led by self-doubt, living through situations that have taken years to get through, have been worth the effort to get to this current side of life. Going through these life changing experiences while yearning to be a present parent with a secure relationship with her child, has been tough. 

I am so glad that in the parent coach training, I was open to the different challenging perspectives of parenting differently. I was able to experience the transformations firsthand. The knowledge I gained from my undergraduate degree was being applied differently. With the knowledge about brain science, attachment theories and neuroscience, I started to put pieces together about why she exhibited certain behaviors. Her tantrums and yearning to be near me became less burdensome. I felt like I finally understood this instruction manual to parenting everyone always talked about did not exist. Everything practiced is something I needed from my parents when I was growing up.

The realness of this relational transformation comes out in so many ways. The conscious effort to speak kindly to my kid instead of curse her smooth out. The respect she receives by me knocking on her door before entry or allowing her to share her side of a story before grilling her. And truly, the voice and autonomy I see being developed and supported daily is awe-inspiring.  

And while transformation and growth are the best things in life to witness, still, 10/10.